I can't recall the day I walked away from God or the little steps I took to get so far from him, but I do remember how lost and broken I felt when I was away. I remember the anger and pain that consumed me and how I was longing for home, but stupidly sat with the spirit of rebellion far too long and refused to go. You want to know the dumbest part? Being away from God was so uncomfortable, and I knew exactly what I needed to do, however I didn't do it. Why? I wish I knew. I wish I did it sooner, because my goodness the tears and pain I could have saved. However, removing past mistakes would remove the wisdom I now have, the repentance process I grew through, and the faith I was blessed with. Like God says, "what the enemy uses for evil, I will use for good." He continuously works things together for our good. The breaking is painful, suffocating, isolating, and will challenge you more than you ever have in your life. Hang on though, it get's better. The pain doesn't last forever, kinda like labor. It hurts, but it's not forever and you get the most beautiful gift God could ever give you at the end of it.

I want you take a moment and think of your greatest potential, the person you've always imagined yourself becoming, and the life you've always imagined yourself living. Then I want you to look at where you are today and ask yourself, "Am I doing all the things that bring me closer or further from this person, from my greatest potential?" 

Heavenly Father moved on me tonight and I couldn't sleep. Sitting up thinking about how blessed I am to wake another day and feel my Heavenly Fathers love. In honor/memory of my beautiful cousin Jennifer, I wrote this. Remembering what matters most in this life.

The Lord spoke soo clearly to me today “Why do tears continue to feel your eyes over something I promised is already yours?” 

The very move you’re too scared to make is the one that could change everything for you. So do it scared.

This time just a few years ago life looked a lot different for me. Going through something that truly broke me and I thought surely would be the end of me showed me how merciful of a Father we have.I wrote in my journal this time two years ago. “God please just make this pain end. I can’t breathe, I can’t keep any food down, and I feel like I am being buried. Please just save us.” It was then I heard that still soft voice say to me, “You were not buried, you were planted.” I couldn’t understand Him then, but as I sit here planted in this garden as a bloomed sunflower,  I know what He meant. 

This season has been such a good one let me tell you. Finally and completely surrendering certain things makes me realize it was never best in my hands from the beginning. Wanting control only stemmed from the deception and lies I was being fed and choosing to eat. I was convinced that if I could control it from start to finish, the ending would be fine. I wouldn’t get hurt. This was all Satan’s plan though. This was the biggest lie.

As I sit here at this computer desk I am surrounded by and covered in a puddle of my own tears. The feeling of defeat overcame me so strongly. For a second, the enemy had me believing he won all over again. Then, God gave me Josh.

This season, I feel a boldness I can’t explain. A boldness that comes so strongly from my Savior. To live and love in all the ways he did. How many times was he mocked, scoffed at, beaten down, etc. How many sought to destroy his name? 

Learning to trust in God's timing is not an easy overnight thing. In a world where you can have anything at your fingertips within minutes, it's too easy to become someone that expects things instantly and or even demands it. His timing, is always on time though. It's better to wait for his perfect timing for things to fall into place, rather than rush it and watch it all fall apart again.

In life we will experience many, “unknowns.” It’s truly engrained in our DNA to go into panic mode when things are out of place and or are way off of your regular routine. 

Every time I visit the temple I am reminded of God’s promises and how beautiful and blessed we are to be with our families forever